


i should go now quietly (for my bones have found a place to lie down and sleep)

by fleamonttpotter



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Family, Gen, other clones are mentioned but yah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-18 19:57:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11881716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fleamonttpotter/pseuds/fleamonttpotter
Summary: “where’s s?”sarah feels felix turn around and look over the heads of the many dancing guests in search of their mrs s, but their mother is nowhere to be seen. felix’s eyebrows constrict and sarah grabs his arm nervously, nails digging through the fabric of his jacket.missing scene from 5x08





	i should go now quietly (for my bones have found a place to lie down and sleep)

“where’s s?”

sarah feels felix turn around and look over the heads of the many dancing guests in search of their mrs s, but their mother is nowhere to be seen. felix’s eyebrows constrict and sarah grabs his arm nervously, nails digging through the fabric of his jacket. 

“sarah. ow. sarah,” felix said, taking hold of sarah's hand, “she’s had a long day, i’m sure she’s just gone home."

“what, without saying bye?” sarah scoffs and casts her eyes around the room once more. felix looks uneasy but stays calm. 

“i dunno, maybe she didn't want to interrupt the-”

“fee,” sarah turns to her brother, a pained look etched across her face. “she wouldn't disappear for no reason, not after everything that's happened. not now.”

felix bites his lip and takes a steadying breath. “look, don't panic, sarah. just calm down for a moment”-

sarah pushes past felix and rushes towards art, who she sees happily dancing next to donnie and scott. she’s not sure she can ever remember him looking as free and unburdened, and it almost pains her to spoil yet another precious moment of calm, before her mind wanders again to her mum, and all concerns for anyone else are long forgotten. 

“art!” she calls out over the music.

art startles at the sound of his name and shoots sarah a wide smile when he sees her walking towards him. his dancing slows and the happy grin slips slightly once he takes in the look on her face and he once again enters ‘cop mode’, concern darkening his features. “what's wrong?” he asks, stepping out of the dancing crowd and next to sarah and felix. 

“did you see s leave? we don't know where she is and after the shit she just pulled with rachel and ferdinand, i-” she cuts off and breathes in sharply, afraid to consider what might be happening while she wastes time standing around. 

“okay. okay, don't worry,” art says in his deep, reassuring tone. “come downstairs, i’ll pull the car around.”

sarah turns to felix and he nods once. the three of them head out the door and away from the festivities and the drinking and the painting of the woman who had given up so much of her life to keep sarah and felix safe hanging up in the center of the room. 

once they reach the bottom of the stairs, sarah and felix bolt through the door and into the cold street, lit only by a dim street lamp a short ways away. art jogs past them and around the corner, and just moments later pulls his car up next to the two shivering siblings. sarah wrenches the passenger door open as felix does the same with the back door and art barely waits for the doors to be slammed shut again before tearing off into the street. 

it's quiet for a moment before art glances sideways at sarah and at felix in the rear view mirror and asks, “where to first?”

sarah’s eyes close briefly and she allows her mind to wander back to a night when kira happily declared that s was “home.”

she takes a shaky breath through her nose and says, “home. there first.” she feels felix’s hand rub her left arm and she grabs hold of it with her right, giving it a tight squeeze and turning to look at him. she can't find it in her to give a hopeful smile and, to be honest, she knows it wouldn't do a bloody thing to help anyway. 

art steals another glance at sarah and tries to soothe her. “look sarah, you don't know that anything’s wrong, just-”

“yeah, i don't not know that either, art, do i?” 

felix’s grip on sarah’s hand tightens.

“she made a dangerous move, exposing all this shit like that. if someone finds out she had anything to do with it … ” she trails off, chewing at her bottom lip. 

“kira’s not … ?” felix asks, speaking for the first time since they got in the car. 

“she's at my ex’s, she's safe,” art replies, and felix nods, eyes closing in relief. they lapse back into silence, the only noise coming from sarah’s anxious tapping against her leg. s’s street slowly comes into view and sarah is out of the car before it even stops. art calls after her, but she ignores him and felix races to catch up to her. 

they reach the house and walk round the side, where the kitchen door sits. sarah can see lights on through the window. she's not sure if that's a good sign or not. she takes felix’s hand and walks carefully through the door, feeling for a moment like a teenager, sneaking into the house late at night, hoping s won't catch her. now, she is hoping for nothing more. 

the kitchen is a mess. the large, circular table is lying on its side and the chairs are strewn all over the place. she and felix turn to the right and straight away sarah feels felix bury his face into her shoulder as he yells in fright. sarah gasps, but otherwise stays still as she takes in the sight of ferdinand’s body lying by the sofa, blood pouring from his neck and mouth. somehow the sight of her sister’s murderer lying dead on the floor does little to calm her fears. 

“mum?” she calls out quietly. she's surprised she managed to find her voice at all. felix takes his head away from her shoulder, but she can feel him shaking. she's not sure she'll be able to move from her spot, but the sight of an arm resting on the brown armchair opposite where ferdinand lies has her taking a tentative step forwards. 

“mum,” felix whispers softly. “no.”

the two rush towards the chair. 

sarah doesn't quite remember how she got there but she suddenly find herself on the floor, felix weeping next to her, calling for their mother, who will never be able to answer. sobs rack her body but they don't really sound like they're coming from her. the whole world blurs around her and all she can see is s, s, who had always been there, by sarah’s side, even through all the awful bullshit being a damn clone came with. s, who had now truly given everything for her children and granddaughter. who had nothing left to give except her body to the ground and leave sarah and felix alone in a world that had been nothing but cruel to them. 

an anguished scream rips through sarah’s chest, like a horrible beast, consumed with rage, ready to destroy everything in its path. she stands suddenly and turns on her heel, facing ferdinand’s lifeless body. in one long stride she reaches him and drives her foot into his stomach. the force makes him slip, and his torso slides off the edge of the couch and onto the hardwood floor. she pulls her foot back and rams it into ferdinand’s side again, the monster inside her screaming through her mouth the whole time. again and again she kicks him, until she feels strong arms wrapping around her, pulling her away. for a single, foolish second, she thinks it’s siobhan, hugging her daughter close, to comfort her, to calm her from yet another wild rage, as she had done so many times over the years. these arms are bigger, though, and whoever is dragging her away from ferdinand smells different to her mum. 

mrs s is dead. 

felix is still sat, crying loudly, his face buried in s’s lap, but sarah’s tears had now subsided and been replaced by heavy, ragged breathing. she’s sure the person whose arms were still wrapped tightly around her torso is saying something, murmuring gently in her ear but she can't focus on the words properly. she wrenches herself free and realises it's art. he staggers back from her, but his arm remains firmly on hers and she notices that she's swaying slightly, her knees threatening to buckle underneath her. sarah lowers herself down next to fee again and pulls him into her arms. she tries not to think about how s would have done the same, tries not to think about how much safer he would feel in her arms, instead of sarah’s. 

sarah runs her hand through felix’s hair and presses a kiss to his head. he clings tightly to her, throwing his arms around her waist. the movement jostles sarah slightly and her knee bumps against something hard. she almost thinks nothing of it, but then catches a glimpse of it out of the corner of her eye and her breath catches in her throat. directly below s’s hand, next to the hand gun that had presumably killed ferdinand, sits a photograph. cracks along the glass run right across sarah and felix’s smiling faces. this photo had always been one of s’s favourites; a moment of genuine happiness, freedom, love- a time before beth and clones and dyad and rachel bloody duncan. 

sarah’s thumb rubs the broken glass gently as her heart clenches. 

“i’m so sorry, mum.”

felix sniffles and tightens his grip around her and sarah knows he is silently telling her that no, this is not her fault, that s wouldn't for a second let her entertain that idea. sarah runs his back in return and breathes in, surprisingly calm. 

why isn't she crying?

art kneels down and nudges her arm upwards, trying to get her to stand. she shakes her head violently. 

“sarah, come on, let's get you guys somewhere safe,” he says taking hold of her arm again. she flinches away from him and shakes her head again, holds felix tighter. 

“i’m not leaving her. not again.”

at this, felix sits up straight and sarah sees his face, red and blotchy, stained by tears, but a hard look fixed upon it. grasping sarah’s hand, he too, shakes his head firmly. 

art’s eyebrows pull together in concern. “i’ll call delphine, she can take you to cosima’s, or alison’s,” he says reaching into his pocket for his phone. sarah’s arm shoots out to stop him. 

“no. i'm not leavin’ her.” she steadies herself for a moment and then says, “can you- just call alison and ask her to pick up kira. please. don't tell her why yet, just …” she falls silent again. art nods, but sarah and felix have already turned away from him and towards their mother. he stands and sarah vaguely registers the sound of alison’s voice on the other end. after a few minutes she hears art talking to someone else, but she doesn't recognise the voice. she supposes it must be his ex wife.

 

minutes pass. or maybe hours. maybe days, sarah’s not really sure. all she's sure of is that s is dead. and she's sure that somehow it's her fault, that she could have done something to stop this. she should have let mk blow him up, then she might still have both sister and mother. but all she has is a body in s’s favourite chair and the corpse of a man who isn't worth anyone’s tears. 

“sarah. felix.” sarah’s head snaps up and she sees art looking nervous. “i have to call this in, okay?” they stare at him for a moment before breathing out shaky sighs and nodding jerkily. it’s not long until the paramedics and police arrive, lights flashing violently. one of the paradmedics, a small woman with cropped hair, gently takes sarah’s shoulders and tries to pull her away from s. 

“ma’am, we have to take her now. come on, up you get.” her voice is quiet and kind and sarah actually listens to her, allowing the woman to help her to her feet. 

“just,” sarah starts gruffly, “take care of her, yeah?” the woman’s eyes crinkle at the corners as she smiles sadly at sarah and nods sincerely. ferdinand’s body is already gone, carted off to hell, for all sarah cares. the police are poking and prodding around s’s things and it takes all of sarah’s control to not send them out, demanding that they leave her mother’s home. instead, she and felix stand to the side, leaning against each other, as though afraid once they let go, they will simply slip from the earth. 

sarah feels felix stir beside her and she looks towards him. a large, bearded police officer is standing awkwardly beside felix, two fingers placed gingerly on his shoulder. his eyes are small, black, and kind. “sorry,” he says. “i found this. looks like it's for you two. felix and sarah?” sarah sees a sheet of paper in his other hand. felix nods at him and takes the piece of paper from the officer’s hands. his eyes scan the page and whatever’s on it sets off a fresh wave of hysterics. out of the corner of sarah’s eye, she sees art start towards them worriedly, but she holds out her hand to stop him and takes the paper from felix’s trembling hands. 

sarah, felix, kira,

just remember, my loves; death is nothing at all.  
i have only slipped into the next room.  
you can call me by my old familiar name.  
put no sorrow in your tone.  
i promise we will laugh at this difficult parting when we meet again.  
all my love,  
s

sarah feels bile rise up in her throat and she runs into the kitchen to throw up in the sink. her whole body starts shaking. she still isn't crying. 

why the hell isn’t she crying?

art’s hand is on her back, rubbing up and down. his other hand comes into view, glass in hands and fills it up with water from the tap. sarah takes the glass from him and washes the taste of vomit from her mouth. she tries to take another sip, but she doesn't think she can stomach much of anything just now. 

“sarah”

sarah turns at the sound of her name, coarse and broken from felix’s mouth. he nods towards the paramedics, who are carting s off on a stretcher. sarah rushes forwards, taking felix’s hand as she does so, and pulls him along with her. 

“wait,” she demands, and the paramedics pause, the sheet they're about to pull over s’s body in their hands. sarah walks towards s and bends down to place a gentle kiss on the top of her head, stroking hair off s’s forehead. she takes a step back and watches felix do the same. they watch, holding each other, as their mother leaves her house for the last time. 

s is home.

s is home. wherever and whenever she is, wherever and whenever she had been, she was always home to sarah and felix and kira. she’s gone. but s is still home.

**Author's Note:**

> agh sorry i hate the ending, i've always been terrible at endings ANYWAY sarah and s are my fave relash on the show and this episode destroyed me and i thought i'd hurt myself even more by writing this. pls tell me if it's good or terrible or whatever in the comments etc. love u all (this is my first fic posted here so this is a big and drunken moment for me)


End file.
